Female communication

Preface: This post does not apply to sigmas, lambdas, or women. Lambdas talk like women already, and sigmas are wild cards. Sucks to be you, VD et al, but I can't understand or help you. The rest of you, strap in and take notes, for the Holzkind is about to explain women to you.

Are you saying that you, a humble Delta with a big mouth and no filter, figured out women?
No, I did not figure out women, and neither can you. Not even women understand women. Matter of fact, most of them hardly understand themselves, let alone women in general.

That being said, there is something that most lower-SSH men need to understand: women do not talk like you or I do. Sure, they say words that sometimes mean exactly what they'd mean when a guy says them, but they say a lot more as well. This is where the concept of 'womanese' comes from. Same thing when you talk to a woman. She will hear what you say, and understand some of what you meant to communicate. She will also 'pick up' on all manner of other things that you 'communicated' through other means. 'Communicated' is in air quotes because you, being a simple man, often do not know that you are communicating these things, and you do not choose to communicate these things.

There are many people who have picked up on this before me. Rollo Tomassi describes it as a content versus context distinction, with men prioritizing content, and women prioritizing context. He also talks about how women prefer covert to overt communication. Here I have to disagree with Rollo, because, to women, there is nothing covert about this 'covert communication'. They see it is brightly as a man sees the headlights on an oncoming car. It only appears covert because we men are a little bit on the slow side in these matters.

That's all fine and dandy, but how do I pick up on all this covert female communication and learn to understand it?
You don't, because you can't. Your pathetic man-brain trying to keep up with female communication is like bringing a knife to a tank battle. Consider yourself fortunate if your mangled remains are afforded a dignified burial. Anyhow, let us get to the useful takeaway. How does the communicatively underqualified male deal with female communication? By not dealing with it.

Here's the deal: you can't understand women, but they can understand you. So force them onto your level. If you ever hear a woman complaining how men "don't get it" or are "stupid brutes", then there's an eleven in ten chance that she just had to simplify her multimodal communication into man-speak. Women hate to do this, but it's honestly their problem, not yours.

Similarly, do not engage in gossip or drama or social intrigues. Again, you're trying to take on an M1A2 Abrams with your trusted Victorinox. Not going to work, pal. Speak plainly and truthfully, or not at all. If you don't believe me, ask this weird Jewish carpenter kid from two millenia ago who turned a bunch of water into booze and flipped some tables at the temple. He told you to 'let your yes mean yes and your no mean no'. Additionally, both Him and His Father really don't approve of gossiping. 

TLDR: Women hear more than you say, and they certainly mean more than they say. So avoid their games and speak plainly.

Note to the gammas: Yes, I generalized. Yes, you're an extra special boy to whom the normal rules do not apply. Now ask yourselves why nobody likes you. Goodbye.